The day didn’t start well… we had a very big outburst.  Jake has HAD IT!  Every person that walks in wants him to open his mouth.. it’s sore, it’s inflamed, he can barely talk, the ulcers are going down his throat, moving the tongue to say “ahh” is torture.  He went off!  On one of the Docs (the one he’s not particularly fond of) and on me.  For a little guy who feels so bad, has NO energy, and is in starvation mode (with a body that shows it), he came out swinging!  Slapping, scratching, kicking, spitting, screaming… I’ve never seen our son act this way.  He’s been angry from time to time but he was looking to do damage.  She didn’t know what to do. I told her that he was done and she agreed. He was so upset with me, saying that I need to help him, pleading with me not to let them touch him anymore.  I understand, I’m his protector and I haven’t been that lately.  In his eyes, I am enabling them to do these hurtful things to him.  It was a moment for both of us and then he crawled in my lap and slept for three hours. I didn’t move, just held him, he was worn out.  The GOOD NEWS…  he woke in a much better mood. We did a puzzle on his bed and opened some gifts that he hasn’t had the energy to open.  (Thank you to Henry’s soccer family!!! So many thoughtful, wonderful things!) I got a little smile through his mouth pain… oh my heart. 🙂  It was a good night… and even better… he ATE!  Reddi Whip!  I know, it isn’t much and it isn’t healthy but that’s what he wanted, it didn’t burn, and I’m a happy momma!  It’s a step in the right direction and if he’ll eat Reddi Whip tonight, then who knows what tomorrow will bring… maybe yogurt!  I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.  Jeremiah 31:25

Jake is sitting up!  He’s been down and out, flat on his back, curled in fetal for days.  But today he was sitting up watching movies with Daddy.  He’s weak and he’s not eating or drinking but he’s up.  We gave him a trim and it’s not pretty!  He sat in my lap and we started cutting.  His hair was shedding all over and it was getting in his mouth, down his shirt, itching everywhere and there were some patchy, balding, rubbed off spots, so we needed to clean him up a bit.  He has been really upset with the thought of cutting his hair but the messiness and aggrevation turned to him being OK with getting it out of his way.  A friend told me that would happen.  I’m glad I didn’t push too early, with all of the decisions that have been taken from him, he was able to make this one.  I will say, his hair masked his sickness in many ways.  Now you see his beautiful eyes and they tell the tale of the past two weeks.  You see his small frame and how much smailler he’s become.  Our prayer this week is for the mouth and throat ulcers to heal so he will eat.  There is word that we may go home in a few days with an IV.  That is scary but he needs nutrition.  And at this point, we’ll take it…it’s all about baby steps and we want him home!

Today is one of those milestones that, I think, is significant in a cancer patient’s life. The day you realize that your hair is going to go away. Jake has beautiful hair. Other than his eyes, it’s one of my most favorite and precious physical features on him. He has this blond, wind-blown, surfer hair. It’s one of the reason’s he’s called “Handsome”. Because he’s so stinkin’ cute! Today he is shedding. It’s everywhere. They keep telling me, “it’s a good sign, it means the chemotherapy is working”. But in my mind, the bald head is that big physical sign that puts him in the “cancer” category. From the outside there will be no question that our Jake is sick. Up until now, he still

looked and felt like Jacob. Today, the reality is setting in and my heart is heavy… he is my beautiful son and he has cancer.